Sometimes I wonder if things are supposed to happen for a reason... I mean, I'm agnostic, but there has to be a greater force out there pushing things in directions with intention whether humans can comprehend it or not. If a butterfly flaps its wings and it causes a hurricane miles away, that i can understand. If some crazy old fart is sitting up in outer space wearing a toga and hitting people with lightning bolts, I find that a bit farfetched.
now that we're clear on that...
I have problems with indulgence. I have no self control. give me a big red button and tell me to stay away from it, and i will indubitably press it. Over and over. And over and over and over. I love doing what i'm not supposed to, especially when it involves knowledge. ah, the forbidden fruit. it tastes so good, but it gets you kicked out of eden. I love to learn things, regardless of whether it's going to harm me or help me. If it exists, i must know. I can't just play dumb and leave things alone. If there is a truth, I will seek it.
I'm also great at playing dumb. I know everything and I let people believe I know nothing, it's easier that way.
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
I know exactly who did it, what time it was, what they were wearing, the song they had stuck in their head, and their mother's maiden name and social security number and a sample of their urine stashed in the fridge for further analysis.
goddamnit, I miss you.
I will never forget that one night we laid out on my lawn trying to find the stars but we were too drunk to see straight. You knocked over our drinks and got a cigarette from my elderly neighbor. You may have offered her a cigar or a cocktail in exchange. I had cooked dinner and we slow danced in the kitchen. We were about to take a spontaneous road trip in search of Banksy but you reminded me I had to work. 12 hours later we took that trip anyway. You had made my bed.
Then it's a few weeks prior and it's freezing outside and we're on a road trip again... drunk because road beers in coffee mugs sounded like a good idea. I make you pull off the side of the highway because I can't hold it anymore and my feet are already wet from spilling beer all over the place. I cant tell if its pee or beer on my shoes but you get out of the car to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. we're walking down a hill with the dog and I can't see your face anymore.
I realize now that I'm so broken up because I have come to accept that no one I met before you and no one I will meet after you will ever compare. I had never felt so safe and trusting of someone in such a short amount of time. I never doubted you for a second, which is a first for me. No one will be as sophisticated in a non-sophisticated way, have the same taste in music, the same crazy hair that twirls perfectly around my finger, enjoy critiquing wine, or have the best dog in the world like you. No one will drive around with the windows down while taking photos of transvestite hookers before climbing a mountain and making me stand on the very tippy top without being afraid. You held my hand, the dog tried to push me off. No one will watch the lava lamp for hours after making love talking about nothing and everything and the mechanics of the lava. I can't replace what felt like perfection. I can only hope someday your memory will fade and someone else will distract me long enough to forget you for 5 minutes at a time. You're everything I wanted and I somehow fucked it up by not being enough.
I don't know what happened or why it did or how it got this bad, but all I can say is I have a universe of regret in my heart for everything you have put me through. everyone else probably deserves it to some degree but god, why me? I have never regretted anything in my entire life... but i regret everything that lead me to meeting you. I was sitting on the dryer the other night because I was cold, and i remembered that picture I took of you in my bed. and now that one song is playing.
when the weight is on your shoulders, come on your knees
wake me when it's over
wake me please
all the things you knew for sure were not what they seemed
when all the noise is gone
anything you want
i would give away
just to watch you go
It's so strange... listening to this song I feel that same pang of not knowing what is going to happen in 5 minutes or an hour or a week or a year, I remember all of that chapstick and the weird cat litter smells and my first encounters with the guy I can't let go of now. All it took was words to fucking start it and now it takes heartbreak to stop it. I can remember the first feeling of victory of saying no and feeling that fucking emptiness, the knife stabbing me in the stomach, beautiful exsanguinity. beautiful. beautiful.
riding low
riding low
(riding faster)
It has been months now, hasn't it? God it feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time.
I am the perfect girl.
I am the dancing queen.
I am everything you want.
I am sitting on the back of the couch in a cold sweat waiting for a cab to come.
The more I talk about it, the less I do control it
Then we are on the mountain up north and you're teaching me to snowboard. I'm nervous about disappointing you and anxious I'll kill myself in the process. You won't let me get discouraged and after a few spills (resulting in gnarly bruises) I actually get the hang of it and you take videos of me so it's all documented. We're on the ski lift and even though I'm soaked, cold and have to pee I'm more than happy that I took a day off work and took an adventure with you.
And now we're at the prom party. you and I are standing on the driveway being all chatty with everyone. You're there with me even though we've over and that confuses me more than anything. It's silly because everyone's so fucking bamford and we brought cupcakes so everyone loves us. You're talking about the guy in the nice jacket and i'm just trashed and someone is talking to me about how I can do better and I don't want to hear it. I come back and am talking about cars with someone and I am not overly concerned with anything with the status of my emotions (that's a counting crows lyric, btw). We're by the pond slow dancing on the bridge to music only you can hear (and try to hum) correcting what was wrong and now we're back in your apartment where it's warm even though it's warm outside because we're so drunk we can't feel anything anymore. We are numb and for a moment we have let go of everything and we know exactly where our shoes are. My dress is on the floor and we are asleep before the lava melts. All is right in my world for those 22 hours.
A few days later I'm dancing in the living room to a david bowie song and putting on makeup and he tells me I look gorgeous but I don't want to hear it. Then we're standing outside and I tried to run back in because that funny car was pulling around the corner and I thought we were both going to pee ourselves from shock and the ridiculousness of the whole situation. Sequence of events.
I gotta launder my karma.
Take a drag off of death.
You know this whole rambling started because I ate from the tree of knowledge. I know I shouldn't have, but I did, and there is nothing I can do to change that now. I can take what I've picked and do something with it, or I can dwell on what I cannot change. at one point today (i don't know if it was because I was extremely caffeinated and cracked out on some pills or what) I felt alive. ALIVE. I felt warm and could feel my own pulse and I felt like a human being again.
I wonder whatever happened to everyone?
well... no I don't.
some things are better left unknown.
