I'm a slacker!

Yeah, I'm slacking on the blog posts. I havent really been home.... and haven't had any "Alone" time to write. Oh well.... I'm here now!


So, life feels like it did about a month ago, only more real. I think I'm moving in the right direction. I'm digesting things, processing them, and going from there. It's a good thing I'm pretty sure. I'm going to have some blind faith for things to progress, I think. That's really scary. It involves a lot of trust and hope. DEEP BREATH, I can do it.

Sooooo I don't know if it's 100% sure yet.... but I think I'm going to Korea. Yeah, you heard me. My friend Alicia is already there (going on 2 years) and loves it. I have asked all the questions, done a ton of research, and discussed it with the family. Everyone is on board, everything looks like it'll fall into place. The November jobs (our goal date) aren't posted until Sept so until then I'm in limbo, but continuing research. Everyone I've told thinks it's a good idea..... so I must be thinking straight for once. Or people just expect that kind of stuff from me, haha.

Well, I've been packing boxes (no, I'm not moving, someone else is) for a few hours and I'm tired. I think this is all I have in me for tonight.

Just wanted to say life is good right now. Everything is evening out. I'm still looking for a decent job to keep me occupied until the Korea move.

xoxo

with a feather...

I realize why I never blogged on work days now.... they are busy.... and make me tired.

I'm listening to the worst music ever, someone should stop me.

I need a cowboy hat.

I need a vacation from AZ.

I'm making big plans and it's scaring the shit out of me.

I'm trying to bite my tongue more, blurt things out less.

I keep thinking about things that upset me, but not thinking about them feels impossible.

I feel like I need to know everything, even when no good will come of it.

I've never been so careless with those words before.

I like hot glue guns, even though I'm careless and hurt myself.

I need this adventure.

I need to decide if I should trust my friends, or my heart. Who has my best interest in mind?

I hate lying.

who needs a snack??

It's FREAKIN' hot out!! Just saying.

So I absolutely hate my new job. I know it's temporary so I'll try and keep my chin up, but I want to pull my hair out!!!

I'll keep looking and maybe schedule another visit to the career counselor now that I have a better idea of my goals.

I'm brewing up a few blog ideas, but I don't really have time to write right now, soooo I'll keep the ideas coming and try and blog tomorrow! :-)

Now off to Kinkos to print my resume!

who likes whiskey...

All day hangovers can kiss it! I have hit the age where I can't drink whatever I want. Ouch.

Monday turned around for me. Went to see matty and becca. Went shopping. Grouted a stone fireplace. Had dinner... And a lot of cocktails.

I'm sleepy.

Mondays....

The high of the weekend has been replaced by the Monday blues. Today is probably the hardest day I've had..... all summer. I'm totally bumming, and I can't really talk about it because people read my blog that don't need to know what's going on in my head today. Blah. I've decided to use blogger to update about my comings and goings instead of facebook. There are people I just don't want to know what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, or where I'm headed. Blogger is safer. I gave the link to people I want to know whats going on with me, everyone else can go away. Facebook feels like a cancer in my life right now.... I'd delete it, but I love keeping in touch and seeing what certain people are up to. Its a sickness I tell you.

I'm excited to see some of my favorite kiddos from school tomorrow. I'm taking them to lunch and shopping. It'll be good times. Then on Wed. I start the new jobby job. I keep reminding myself it's just until I find my dream job. Doesn't make it easier I think. It wont be that bad. Just not my ideal situation. eh.

Amy thinks I should bring a hard copy of my resume to that dream job I've been applying for. The lady said they are still accepting resumes via internet, so i cant decide if bringing one in to them is annoying or shows how driven I am? Hmmmmm.

Gina Kelly says I need to let myself miss people that I want to miss. And allow them to miss me. I've just never been good at going cold turkey with people I still care about. I guess sometimes as much as I want to completely emotionally check out, I just cant. She says I need to put on makeup, do my hair, and head out into the world. Lately that has just ended with me getting super drunk and texting people I shouldn't be texting. Especially since most of those people are on a three hour time difference and I end up texting them in the middle of the night.

She says the "missing" people part will fade when I want it to. Am I really such a masochist I'm putting myself through more bullshit than I actually need to? Probably. ha. I need to start moving forward again (according to the great Gina Kelly).... I was doing so great until a couple days ago.... wtf!

Adventure!

Yesterday morning Amy and I were sitting around the house debating what to do with our day (I had a promising day of laundry ahead) when we decided to go on an ADVENTURE! We debated over Tucson and a few other places before deciding on Slide Rock (and all the other tourist crap in Sedona). So we call Becca, throw on swim suits and cut offs, fill the cooler with beer... and head out! The best quote of the morning was by Amy: "Let's hurry up and take these clothes off so we can cut them up!" Yeehaw. Oh, and don't forget the pigtails and trucker hats as well.

The trip up there was fun, we gambled (dont ask), had sing a longs, and made fun of Amy, haha. Good times. My cousin Alyssa met us up there then we discovered Slide Rock was totally full so we found another spot. We had to venture down the side of the mountain type cliff to get down to the water, then cross many very slippery rocks to get to the other side where we wanted to set up camp. It took us like half an hour to swim/jump/rock step our way across. ack. Some guys even offered amy help because she was stuck haha. We spent the day meeting other people escaping the heat, swimming, enjoying good company, and drinking beer. It was what we all needed. After the sun started to set we went into downtown Sedona and shopped, walked around, and had a yummy dinner. It was a perfect day and we headed home happy. Got back into town at like 11pm and stopped by the Surfside IV show to say hi to friends, but came home pretty early because we were all dirty and exhausted!

Already planning our next adventure. I was telling the girls about this place I used to go when I was a kid called Fossil Creek, but that may be too rugged for a group of girls, haha. We are going to scout out some options and start going on adventures as often as we can. My friend from England messaged me today when I said I want to plan another adventure and invited me to South America in early 2010. I'm seriously debating saying YESSS and going for it. I do love me some international travel. I've never done South america.

Anyway, my other topic of the day is how much media can influence people (yeah, me). There is that line from.... I think it's "High Fidelity" where he says "are we sad because we listen to pop music? or do we listen to pop music because we are sad?'
Man, what a question. I know for myself, my moods can be very easily changed my music, literature, or cinema. Last night I came home just happy as a clam (the only down part of the whole day was everyone bitching about their crappy sex lives with ex's, and me realizing how much I loved mine, hahahaha) and settled into bed for the night around 1am. I turn on my TV to find something to fall asleep to and The Holiday was coming on. I end up watching the whole thing and it's like an emotional roller coaster. First, I'm really sad because of all the heart ache different characters are going through, I mean I can totally relate, so I was bummed out. Then it ends on a really great note of everyone finding their true loves.... which made me really happy they found love, but bummed I'm in bed alone at the same time, haha.
Same thing goes with this great book I finished this morning, I get really bummed out when bad things happened for the protagonist, especially since I related to well to her, but then I am feeling great that she got everything she wanted and all was ok.
Music is even worse. When I'm having a crappy day I can blast some party favorites, clean my house, and forget all about whatever crap was bugging me! But I can also feel really blue for no apparent reason after listening to sad love songs..... which sucks, because I love sad love songs, but hate that I get cranky!

Well, I need to shower and get out of here..... gonna go hang with my favorite short people in Cave Creek tonight.

Oh yeah, I also got a new job. It's not exactly what I'm looking for, so I'm going to kind of continue my search, but this will at least be something to occupy my time and make some money in the mean time.

In the Navy....

This is my new favorite song.


I'm not even kidding. Becca and I started our dance party off with this gem!

I don't really have anything fun to talk about today. I chatted with my love twin, Gina Kelly for a while this morning. She is so wonderful, for advice, a shoulder, and a friend. I should go visit her. She told me to never feel guilty for doing something I'm ok with. I told her about my friends pressuring me to never speak to certain people.... and how I feel really guilty about speaking to these people. Gina says I'll get over things in my own way, and as long as I know what I'm doing there is no harm done. Thats a way better way to handle things than "you're a bad person if you talk to so-and-so." Right?

Gina and I are alike in SOOO many ways when it comes to dating and love, but I found a major difference today. She just broke up with her crazy boyfriend, and he left the country. She says the distance gives her the clarity to see things as they really are. I'm the exact opposite, I get sick of people when they are around all the time, but the second they are gone I can only remember the best times I had with them. When I look back at all my relationships I remember the good times. I love laughing at the little inside jokes we had, the trips we took, the holidays we shared, the friends we loved. Of course I keep in mind things weren't perfect, or we'd still be together..... I just think it's happier to remember the good. I'm a romantic, what can I say?

So my momma is talking about me heading out to Texas. I really didn't like Texas last time I was there. I mean, it's ok..... but it's not home. I don't think I'll agree to it, but, it's an option for my next step in life I guess. Meh.


Oh yeah, I've been having SUPER crazy dreams again. Dreams that could be made into award winning horror movies. Blood, guts, gore, death, suspense... I've got it all. My non-horrifying dream last night was bizarre. My best childhood friend Cheryl was in phoenix visiting me. We were at some sort of park, that was attached to these small studio apartment-type homes where bands are practicing and we are all just hanging out in random rooms Later we were discussing the fact we needed to get up to Flagstaff to see the one spot we knew had snow all year. I'm not sure if we were in Flagstaff or Phoenix but we were by a small river that was flooding due to some big recent storms..... and all of the sudden we saw a baby floating down the rapids, crying (the baby is black, I don't know if that means anything). We both jump in to save the baby and are swept down river. We take turns holding the baby above the water, and I come to the conclusion it is sick. I'm not sure how I knew, but I just did? We eventually end up at her mothers house (in Texas) and bring the baby inside with us. I go to wash my hands for fear of contracting whatever disease this baby has, and Cheryl's mom starts sanitizing everything, while Cheryl is convinced the baby is fine. We get the baby cleaned up and Cheryl's mom cut all it's hair off for some reason? Flash to the next day and we are at a pool party with the baby, like we adopted it as our own? It's totally bizarre, yeah? hahaha. I'm so weird.

Staying put....

Two blogs in one day, I need a hobby. I got some new books today at Barnes..... and fun stuff at Target....as long as I'm going to refuse the house I need to be entertained, haha. I ran into John Schmidt at Target.... that guy always has puts a smile on my face!! He said I look amazing for someone nursing a mid-life crisis, haha. I needed that! I decided not to fly to NC tonight. A lot of my friends said I should go.... but it just didn't feel right. If it's meant to be, it'll happen when I'm ready. I have a wedding, show I promised I'd be at, brides maid dress fittings, job hunting, Deans birthday party, porn to look at with Jeremy (wink), and family stuff all within the next 5 days...... so, thats my reason. I'm giving myself two more days of hanging around the house (aside from going to Freedom tomorrow and picking Amy up, and dinner plans), then it's back to being busy and social. I never knew how great just hanging around the house could be.... I'm actually getting a lot done, most of it in my head though, haha. I've been writing a lot too.... not only on here, but working on a short story, some poetry, and other little snipits of my mind as well.

Here is a little sample of the stuff I've been writing... most of it has been kind of dark.... and kinda creepy. I'm weird? haha. It's a rough draft... but you get the idea.


I.
I remember you in mid summer,
your form content with nothing
but the window pane. I asked
for your complete honesty
and got a crooked smile in return.

I asked myself to forgive you that night
and thought about living the present
moment instead of entangled
ourselves in each other. Entwined
in the chime of a clock over our night

sky. I wanted nothing more than
to follow your independence
everywhere. We were woven
in that quilt, each thread
a reminder of our bedroom dances.

But when I return to my
blue light world, looking
around in confusion, discovering
you no longer there I realized
the clock was going backwards.

II.
I don't remember what you told me
that night but the look on your face
played over and over in my mind. I walked
down those cathedral stairs in search
of you. I find myself doing this

more and more each day. I dreamed
last night of us meeting there one day
and going to the park for
a picnic. So I've become obsessed
with the thought of you now that

you're gone. Somehow satisfying my need
for the lack of drama in my life.
I prayed to the gods for sanity
and they gave me confusion.
so I ran through the rain last week

and came home just to look at my
mascara stained face, to watch as
the droplets of rain rolled down my
cheeks only to leave a stain
of black on the countertop.

Curled up against the mirror
I focused on my lashes that
were wet and separated
just like you and I.

AEPA.....

I got my AEPA results today.......

and................


welllll.............

I passed them both with flying colors.


What does this mean now? Jack shit.
At least I know I can do it.



My life took an interesting turn last night. Old Faithful called around midnight. Then proceeded to hang up because he thought I said I was in bed with someone, when in fact I just said I was in bed (alone, of course). So after we fought for an hour about that.... he told me to come to NC. Today. Every fear I have, he has an answer to. Every doubt it's the right thing to do, he has a convincing arguement. I am super torn. He said "I think we are both at the point in our lives where we just need to say 'fuck it' and give each other a fair chance. This is the first time in 4 years we have both been single at the same time. Enough wondering what could have been, its time for it to happen." Really??? He wants us to set out on some great adventure together. End up in NY, Hawaii, or Cali. He's got job offers in those places... and said I could pick. Scary.

Am I really going to fly across the country tonight, to give love a shot? My heart is still aching from the last masacre it suffered.... I just don't know if I'm ready. Its scary and exciting all at the same time. I can't imagine the look on Jess and Nicoles faces if I were to show up at the Far Less show and surprise them.

He is waiting to hear back from me so he can book my ticket. I wish I had some clear sign telling me to take a leap of faith, or stay put and be responsible. My mother is no help.... when I first called her she said she thinks I should stay in AZ and work on finding a new career, then she said..... "Well you keep trying to lay dwon roots, but things just don't seem to work out for you, first with the job, then with Nick.... maybe all that happened because Marco is who you're supposed to end up with and this is fates way of pushing you two together." For my mother to say something like that is just crazy!! She is the grounded one, she shouldnt be tempting me like this! Ahh.

Looks like I've got some serious thinking to do.... if I fall off the radar for a week it's because I left the state.....

Frozen in time...

Do you ever wish you could freeze a moment, be able to save it forever? I wish life was like a computer and I could do a screen shot and file it away under "great memories." I had a few of these moments today...... gone forever, sweet memories will eventually fade like photographs. God bless the digital age.... now we only have to worry about computer crashes. Blah. I need to either find my camera or buy a new one.... i'm sick of being camera-less.

The weekend has been good so far.... it's hot out!! BBQed over at Mel's today... it was fun, but I ended up leaving early. I freakin' love her to death but ALL of their friends are married.... its so gross! Barry wants me to date Howard again so I can bring him over for BBQs, haha. I don't know about that..... Howard is great, but... we tried that once already. So I guess until I find a guy worth marrying I'll hate going to Mel's BBQs. There is one next weekend, but Surfside IV is also playing.... so I don't know if I'll even go.

Went out with Dean last night..... got to play in the rain. I freaking love rain, it was probably the highlight of my night. I love that whenever I'm in the car with Dean he plays CDs that I just love to sing-a-long to.... and we both sing, and laugh, and it's comfortable. Last night he played a bunch of music from shows we've been to together.... good memories. I haven't really considered a romantic relationship since our St. Pattys Day makeout. I still don't know how I feel. meh.I felt really bad that probably 5 people asked where "my boyfriend" is... right in front of Dean. I don't know if he heard all of them, he is so tall I don't think he hears most of the conversation on my level. haha. If he did... ouch. The show was pretty good.... it was hot as balls in the rouge west, as always. I kind of hate that's where Surfside is playing next weekend.... those shows are sooo hot! Dean caught me mentally visiting other places a couple times.... another ouch. I think I need a couple more days to decompress still, my mind keeps wandering at the worst times. Hence being home at 11pm on a Saturday..... I just want to be alone. I'm kind of cranky. I miss amy..... she puts everything in perspective for me.

Jenn told me she has been sad about me not going back to work next year..... breaks my heart. I reallllly love all the people I work with..... I dont know what the heck I'm doing. I sent my resume out for a few jobs in NC. One of them is super awesome, but I dont think I have enough experience. I told Old Faithful today that I'm looking at jobs out there. I think that made the prospect of me moving back real for him, haha. I wish it were as easy as flipping a coin. I loved NC sooo much, and it would be SOOO awesome to be near my great NC friends. Buttt..... my family is here. My childhood friends, my cozy home, my life.... it's all here. I swear I'm becoming less adventurous in my old age.... I used to take off and move places without even blinking. Now, I'm about to have a panic attack just writing about it!! ;-)

So, nothing deep or philosophical to talk about tonight. Just ramblings of a drunk girl. Thank god for spell check meow.

Time to take a melatonin and hope for sleep. I have SOOO much to do tomorrow, and I'm supposed to go tubing with the gang!

Choices and forgiveness

You choose where to be.
You choose how to act.
You choose what to say.
You choose what to do.
You choose whom to be with.
You choose what to concentrate on.
You choose what to believe.
You choose when to go along.
You choose when to resist.
You choose whom to trust.
You choose whom to avoid.
You choose what behaviors to emit in reaction to what stimuli.
You choose what to say to others about:
Self
Others
Risks
Needs
Rights.



"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame." ~Ben Franklin

So Amy is the self-help book queen. She has more self-help books than the rest of my friends all together. I think it's great. I have a few friends I just wish I could some to, but would probably be offended, haha. I own two myself! "They call it a breakup because its broken" which did me absolutely no good after breaking up with Doug, and my grandpa bought me "10 Things Women do to Screw up Their Lives" which I think is an amazing book!! That being said I picked up one of Amy's self help books this morning (driving her to the airport at 6:30 really messed up my sleep!) and read a chapter. It's titled "There Is Power In Forgiveness" and it hit close to home. I have a few people in my life I'm angry with. I felt I was done wrong, and I hold a certain hostility inside for either feeling like I was wronged in the first place, or for feeling like they aren't the least bit sorry.

Hate, anger, and resentment are known to be some of the strongest and most self-destructive of emotions. Hatred can be comforting, it feels like a curse on the target (who hurt you).... but holding those emotions inside of you can literally change who you are. If people carry around these nasty emotions their bodies are in a a constant state of heterostasis, which this book describes as "a condition of physiological imbalance." The book continues to explain that holding all of this negative energy inside of you can alter your physical state to the point of sleep disturbances, nightmares, poor concentration, fatigue, headaches, back pain, and even ulcers and heart attacks. Whether or not there is any scientific data to support this I'm not sure, but just try and recall how thinking about something that hurts (mentally) can often elicit real physical responses. Have you ever felt sick to your stomach over something that you did, or something that was done to you that you keep thinking of? If just thinking about these unpleasant things can evoke such a powerful reaction, imagine what carrying around a deep seated anger or hatred can do to someone's body.

Almost worse than the physical effects carrying around negative emotions, is the spill-over of them into the rest of your life. It's hard to keep such strong emotions focused on one person or aspect of your life, so they run over into other aspects of your life whether you want them to or not. All of your thoughts and feelings are carried over into all your relationships, and to think you can turn your feelings/emotions on and off like a light switch is just naive. Bitterness and hatred are such strong emotions that they actually become a part of who you are and present themselves in every facet of your life. The person you used to be is transformed into this person with all ugliness inside them. The sad thing about this is that the people who truly love and care about you are left with a bitter shell of the great person you once were. This book states that "there is no reality, only perception- and yours is altered by these ugly things." The book continues to explain that the people who carry around this type of burden do so because they feel they have some unfinished emotional business with somebody, somewhere: whoever is the target of all that negative emotion. Forgiveness must come from inside your heart, and not expect anything in return. As hard as it may be to forgive someone who doesn't agree they did you harm, or isn't even aware you feel that way may feel impossible, but surely it is not. There are some really awful people in this world who will never regret or admit doing really terrible things to people , so if you're waiting for an apology you may have to live your entire life with that hostility inside. What to consider then is that you create your own experience (as I listed above). Only you can choose how you feel, and only you can choose to come to terms with your past demons and start to heal. Choosing to forgive is one of the most powerful things a person can experience. You take that power away from the person who wronged you and put it back in your own hands. They will no longer own those emotions and your heart, you will start to claim it for yourself once again. The moment you decided to forgive is one of the most freeing moments you will experience. That's the point you turn it all around. You and your loved ones have to live with you every day, not that person from your past you're holding on to, so it's better to get rid of that dark cloud for the sake of everyone!

"By forgiving you, I am releasing me, not you."

business will be booming

My turn to mix cocktails... Ttfn loves.

"It’s surprising that some of these perfect ladies fall for troubled, disturbed and sometimes even neurotic guys. It is a phenomenon I call “savior complex”. Beyond the seemingly perfect facade is a heart that yearns to cure, to witness the miracle of change brought by one’s own doing.
It may also be the mother instinct that lives inside women in general. A well-meaning girl opens her heart to the troubled guy in question, patiently listens to his woes, decides that there’s hope for that person… and ends up rooting for him to change and be better. And inevitably, falling in love and investing a chunk of their emotions.
Change. It is very gratifying to think that another person would want to change just because you requested it. But the fact is, he will not completely transform his life for you. He might say it, but he won’t do it. He’s comfortably ok with your attention, his ego is full with your mothering and adoration. Why should he go through the trouble of re-inventing himself, when his faults and “imperfections” seem to be what attracted you in the first place?
This leads to bitching, frustrations and rants. You want to leave him, give up and run away… but can’t. Why? Because the wily bad boy has already got anchors and chains all over your marshmallow heart."

Wow, way to describe my last 4 relationships, haha.

I had a great talk with a good friend last night (in the midst of trying to party with the new neighbors.... they look like the Black Eyed Peas!) and realized I was cranky yesterday because I know I'm going to miss the perks of a relationship, not the person I was in the relationship with. Let's face it, I've been involved with guys that have a way better sense of music, style, art, politics, and worldly travel. So why was I moody over a guy I didn't care for in the past few weeks anyway? Well, it's the same reason I typically jump from one relationship to the next..... I get bored and want company. It's a totally crappy reason to be in a relationship, but I guess I rather be stuck with a crappy relationship than show up to parties alone.

I've done some thinking in the last few days and I think I'm going to give Dean another shot. (If youre reading this Dean... screw you for being nosy hahahaha!) Dean was there the entire time I was dating this last guy, telling me what a tool he was. Dean is smart, funny, charming, good looking, educated, good family values, and has a great sense of style. What else could I need? I love his mom, I love his friends, my family loves him.... shit, he already survived Christmas with my family and came back for more, hahaha.... that says a lot about him! He took Eva and Ethan to the light parade with me and let Ethan sit on his shoulders for most of the parade even though his back hurt.... that shows selflessness, right? The only issue I've ever had (and why I never really dated him) is that he drinks too much. amy thinks if we are all hanging out and doing fun stuff he wont want/need to drink so much. I guess we'll see....... Im not committing to anything for now. His sister is in town for a volleyball tournament so we are going to go watch her play on Friday, then go to the Rocketz and Faraway boys show afterward. It should be a fun night, and maybe it'll help me see what I want. One can only hope.

Also, I've been doing some job research in NC. Old Faithful is flying back there from Hawaii today.... and then it seems I'll have some choices to make. I'm hesitant to make any choices while still pissy over my last relationship. The lies just keep unfolding now that I'm away from the situation, and quite frankly I'm peeved. "The opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love in indifference." Best advice I've ever gotten. Until I'm indifferent to my ex I don't want to make any choices about my future. Too many times I've made bad choices just to spite an ex, or to dull the pain of a breakup...... but not this time. This time I'm thinking things through. I don't think it will take long to move on, as I think about all the deception, the lies, the manipulation..... it makes me ready to wash my hands of any emotions I may still have for him. He is a liar, a cheater, a fucking sociopath.... nothing I need around. He is setting himself up for a very miserable life..... I'll pray for him.... it's really sad.

I want to thank all my friends for being so supportive...... sorry I went MIA for a little while..... i'm back now!!! oxoxoxoxoxox

So, What's next?

Yeah, I know I've been totally off the radar since returning from Cali. Sorry? I was in my own little world


In MY world..... I saw a career counselor yesterday. He was super fun and charming, but I'm not sure he gave me the most sound advice. He thinks I should follow my dreams and start a business. I just don't think its a good time to do that, the economy and all. In the future I will for sure, but I think it'd be a mistake to even apply for a small business loan right now. I need a business plan and all that jazz, before I get in over my head. He told me I'm never going to be a single career type of girl. He thinks I have many interests and I'm so busy in my mind that I will never be satisfied doing one thing for the rest of my life. I fully believe that. I want to explore the world, and maybe not literally this time.... I want to explore my own world. Until the economy is better I'm going to work, doing something I dont hate, and heavily research and make plans for my own business. It's well known you'll never really be wealthy working for someone else..... so, here's to doing something I love and getting stinking rich!! :-)

I feel focused, about life. I feel a sense of renewal. I feel like this is a new chapter, I'm just turning the page, about to write the first sentence. I'm excited. I had one of my "freak out" moments last week, about work, about my ex, about my friend, about my dad...... but looking back, I think I had it under control the whole time, I just needed that release. I needed to know I could freak out, and everything will still be ok. It is ok. I'm ok. Life is good.




"With blood shot eyes I watch you sleeping
The warmth I feel beside me is slowly fading
Would she hear me if I calls her name?
Would she hold me if she knew my shame?

There's always something different going wrong
The path I walk's in the wrong direction
There's always someone fucking hanging on
Can anybody help me make things better?

Your tears don't fall
They crash around me
Her conscience calls the guilty to come home"