so true!

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

goodbye, Cali.....

My last night in Cali..... it's kind of bittersweet. I've had a wonderful time here. I'm TAN, relaxed (mostly) and still as in love with the ocean as ever. My trip ended on a super weird note..... I caught my friends wife cheating on him. Literally.... I went outside the bar and she was having sex..... in his mom's car. It made things awkward today to say the least. I had to smile and act friendly even though I wanted to rip her face off. I was surprisingly upset by the act of cheating....... I have been blocking out a lot of what's happened to me, past and present, in regards to cheating. I've never seen the act of cheating before, and now that the act has a visual in my head, it seems to bother me more. Ugh, makes my tummy hurt to think about it.

Anyway, I'm pretty happy to be going home tomorrow..... as much as I'll miss walking to the beach every day. I need to go to work and get some things done, I need to spend time with friends I'd neglected lately, I need to have some ALONE time. Well, I'm still thinking about the alone time, we all know how much I loathe being alone.

Things have cooled off with Old Faithful. We aren't going to talk about moving or buying a house for 2 months.... once my life is a little more stable I'll see how I feel then. I feel like I'd really regret being hasty with this...... it'd be a rebound in the worst way. Thats not fair to anyone. In the meantime, I'll see what happens with the latest boyfriend. I will have to digest a lot when I get home and have a chance to think....... trust is not easily won back with me...... but I never say never. Meh...... thats enough for tonight, getting sleepy! xoxo

How the worm turns...

I feel refreshed today. I feel like everything happens for a reason. I feel forgiving.

I spent most of the night on the phone with old faithful. I called him crying because I watched some DUMB movie. Darn chick flicks, lol. I called asking him why it's so easy for people to cheat on me. What do I do wrong, each time? He didn't have a solid answer for me, being one of the only guys who never cheated on me. He thinks I'm just picking the wrong ones because I've been waiting for him. He offered to fly me to Maui... he is there working until July 2nd. I don't think I'm going to go.... I need to go home, I miss my friends. I miss my bed! I haven't really slept in my bed for almost a month, I want it back!

muah!!

Gosh, I love my friends. Seriously.... ya'll are the best, the apples of my eye, the shimmy in my shake!

I don't know if people just expect me to finally have a meltdown after the crazy year I've had, or they know I thought this boy was different..... but you guys have seriously been so great! I know if I end up needing a shoulder to cry on, you guys are there, which makes my heart warm and fuzzy. I'll wait to do any crying (if I need to) until I get back to AZ. Being in Cali is probabaly a blessing. Sunshine cures all... along with the ocean.

Like always, my first text message after a breakup was to my old faithful. All I had to do was send a text saying, "had a bad day... call me if you get a chance" and 15 seconds later my phone rang and he says, "Are you ok? Where are you? I can be there by the morning." Now, THATS love. Even after all these years, all these fights, the ex's, all the distance.... we still love each other. Our love has transformed, but it's still alive.. in its own way. Maybe he was right all along, maybe in the end we will end up together.... in our own twisted love story. for now he is my texting buddy, to keep my fingers occupied... and thats all I could ask for in a friend these days.

And just think JESS, we'd be neighbors again!!!! mwahahah! Party time...?

another blog about cheating, go figure

They say it takes 21 days to create or break a habit.

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love, but rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."


" Hearts will never be made practical until they can be made unbreakable."

~ The Wizard of Oz

Technology ruins relationships

I think I was born in the wrong generation. While I embrace technology as a way to keep in touch with friends I met traveling around the world, and friends who have since moved away (or even games to pass time when I'm bored)..... I loathe the other responsibilities that come with the power, better known as the internet. I am pretty much an open book. I think I'm a good person, and I know I have good intentions, so I don't often censor myself online. Probably a big mistake. I never really consider the implications of my actions online. I update my status on Facebook and post bulletins about upcoming events on Myspace, not really considering how people may interpret what I'm saying. People don't always get my quirky sense of humor, and I forget that. I have definitely come to prefer face-to-face communication. I like having a conversation with someone where if they don't quite get what I'm saying they can be like, "wait...umm... did you really just say that?!" Then I explain what I meant and we all have a good laugh. This has never really gotten me into big trouble, but it has ended in hurt feelings on both sides of relationships I'm in. I never stop to think that posting a status update about going to the movies would hurt someones feelings because they werent invited. In the same vein, I've wondered where I was when I see pictures my friends put up online and I'm not in them. I think people get a sense of ownership their friends these days, being connected to them in so many ways.

So, I think the dynamics of friendships have changed, being so assessable to each other..... but no serious harm has been done. I do believe the harm is being done in dating/marriage relationships though.

Whatever happened to calling a girl up on Tuesday to invite her out for Friday night? What happened to picking the girl up, walking up to the door, with flowers, and taking her out for a night on the town? It seems to me the old rules of courtship are dead. The majority of dates I've been out on in the last 3 years have been initiated via text or even worse.... instant message! There is nothing romantic about getting a text on Thursday night saying there will be a show on Friday, and it'd be cool if you can show. The worst part is.... I (along with many, many girls I know)I allow this happen. It's become to status quo to make dates via text that no one thinks twice about it these days. I want to live back in the days of "an affair to remember", "the way we were", "casablanca"..... etc. Think about how romantic and sincere love was back in those days. I think thats what attracted me to the rockabilly scene..... a lot of the dating rules still apply in that scene. Rockabilly guys will call you up for a date, they open car doors, send you flowers at work, and have a real honor behind their motives. Not all of them.... like in every crowd, there are dirtbags.... but I feel like they are fewer and further between. I think there is more respect, to a degree. You'll never see a rockabilly guy out at a show or party without his girl by his side (unless it's boys' night out). It's a matter of respect. you don't leave your girl at home so you can go pick-up on other chicks.

The only thing that's more annoying than lazy lovers, are social networking websites. I thought Michelle was silly back when Myspace first gained popularity (before I was even on there) for constantly checking the activity of her boyfriends online. Low and behold... most of the time, they were chatting up other girls and making plans. Myspace made it all too easy for them to be "meeting" and talking to girls without ever leaving the house. Online networking made people lazy... and sneaky. I have had numerous boyfriends scout for new girls online, while still dating me. There are too many options now, with little to no work for an outcome. I wrote about cheating via the internet in my last blog.... but what about being deceptive, not necessarily cheating? I think a lot of people like to keep their online options open. By not denying, or confirming, that you have a girlfriend (online) you aren't risking burning bridges with other girls you may have relationships with online. I've been guilty of this, but typically it's in person for me. I think since all of the people I talk to online are people I see on a semi-regular basis (aside from out of town friends) I don't have that need to live below the radar online. People know who I'm dating, where I'm living, where I work, and who I'm having a tiff with... because they are a part of my REAL life. The internet is merely a supplement while we aren't together.

I want to reverse time and live in the 1950s. I want to know my boyfriend can't have the option to text or IM other girls. I want to "go steady" with someone in hopes of marrying them, not just passing time until the next loser (or pretty face, if you're a guy) to come along. I want to go to a gosh darn sock hop!! Ok, maybe I'm more of a drive-in kind of girl.

I've got that cat-with-four-sore-paws feeling again. Antsy. Dissatisfied but unsure why.

" There was a hollow space inside his mind,like an empty house, a haunted place that knew only echoes. His thoughts were few and pale, fluttering like moths through that empty expanse, and they made no difference to who he was. Nothing he did or thought made any difference at all. " "... like the shadows need a candle, or they can't dance. "

Cheater Cheater, Pumpkin Eater!

What defines cheating? Should the terms of cheating be established between two people..... or should it be pretty standard for everyone? I've been hesitant to ever call anything other than physical acts of cheating actual cheating...... but I think I've changed my mind. I had been accused of cheating on someone before. I was flabbergasted... I may have withheld emotion, but I was certainly not physically involved with anyone else! Well, he explained to me by emotionally checking out of the relationship with him, and checking into one with another man I was, by his standards, cheating on him. I plead my case.... I was not physically involved with that man on any level, I was seeking out comfort.... I needed a shoulder to lean on during hard times in my relationship! I swear! Looking back, I was, on a certain level, most definitely cheating on him. I went to my new friend with any good news, bad news, or any emotional need. When you are with someone, you should not be seeking comfort in another person. It's wrong.

Wikipedia defines cheating as-

"With regard to human relationships, couples tend to expect sexual monogamy of each other. If so, then cheating commonly refers to forms of infidelity, particularly adultery. However, there are other divisions of infidelity, which may be emotional. Cheating by thinking of, touching and talking with someone you are attracted to may be equally damaging to one of the parties. Emotional cheating may be correlated to that of emotional abuse, which to date is treated as seriously in a court of law as physical cheating. With the expansion of understanding of other cultures, there is a wide spectrum of what cheating means. When in a committed relationship, the definition of cheating is based on both parties opinions and both parties may redefine their understanding to match the party at an either lower or higher extreme of this definition. Some couples simply believe that cheating constitutes doing anything, whether verbal or physical, that one would not do in front of their significant other. Such examples would include: expressing attraction to another person, electronic communications, kissing, making out, and sexual relations."

I specifically like the part about electronic communication. In this day and age, the internet is the source of a lot of good, but also a lot of evil. I believe a lot of cheating these days happens online, or at least starts online. Online anonymity has made people way too comfortable! People say things to other people online that they would never, in a million years, say in person. I think it's a downfall of the internet and is raping our youth of their manners. Back to electronic communication. How far does someone have to take an online relationship before it constitutes cheating? Are flirty IMs cheating? Is having a dating website profile cheating? How about talking to an ex (sometimes flirty, sometimes casual)... is that cheating? Do intentions count more than actions? Someone (let's call him Chaz, to protect the not-so-innocent) has an online dating profile. He chats with many girls through this dating site, and enjoys the attention he gets from these random girls. Chaz has a girlfriend he cares about, and would not consider meeting any girl from the internet, he just wants an ego boost.... is that cheating?

Now.... what about the person who is setting themselves up to cheat, but doesn't even realize it? Or if they do realize it, they think their willpower is enough to keep anything from getting out of hand. I'm a believer in non-premeditated cheating. One thing leads to another, an opportunity has been presented... and willpower just isn't enough to keep the hormones at bay. Next thing you know... you just cheated. While it does take two to engage in an act of adultery, it doesn't take much to tempt a man.