I took some allergy medicine to try to make me fall asleep, but it just made me loopy and put me in a weird mood. I have to be up in 5ish hours, I should be sleeping.
I'm having a "grass is always greener" moment.
I have a habit of taking off. Going new places, meeting new people.
Is there something wrong with me that no matter how good things get, how happy I am, no matter how many amazing people surround me.... I always look for -whats next?!?-
I've been in my current house for almost a year now..... it's time to either sign for another year or move on. I'm so, so tempted to move..... somewhere new and exciting. But, I feel the urge to stick to whats been good to me for the past year and see what happens. I'm finally trying to abandon that feeling that the right person will make me want to stay somewhere. I question wanting to give that up, because there is someone I would drop everything for and move back across country to see right now. Just to give it another go and see what happens. I'm a very curious person, we all know this..... so not knowing if things would have ever worked out with us just kills me. I want nothing but happiness for him, so I'll sit right here in AZ...... hoping one day the stars align and we are both single and in the same place at the same time. Slim odds...... but who knows.
So here I am, sitting alone at 2:30 on a friday night. Fighting the urge to pick up and go on an adventure. Fighting the urge to call the few people who tug my heart strings. Fighting the urge to close the laptop and actually be alone with myself.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
krusty
So, much has happened in the wonderful world of Missy since my last post.
Melissa had her baby last wed at 4:40pm. She is 8lbs 9oz... and they named her Kayleigh Cheyenne. She has been a really good baby so far.... and is totally adorable. I was in the in ER with melissa on Saturday, she had some problems from the epidural..... but is feeling great now.
Ok, so funny story of the week. This guy (we can refer to him as The Death Of Me) has a Krusty the clown doll. It has a pull cord and totally freaks me out. So The Death Of Me likes to either put it under my pillow, or pull the string when I'm about to fall asleep.... or pretend it's biting me (yeah, we're goofy.... shut it) and this doll makes me cringe. So, I decided to kidnap Krusty. A few of my friends (I won't mention names) have helped me pull this off and it's totally hilarious. We first left a ransom note on the door along with a picture of Krusty tied up and duct tape over his eyes. It was the letters cut out of a magazine style.... I'll post a pic. So we thought Krusty needed some fun as long as he was being held captive. So he has been to a couple shows, bars, ice cream run, drove a hot rod, watched a girl take a shower, got drunk, was hung upside down, and even had a swirly. I need to make a photo blog out of this..... people are posting about it on myspace. So.... that was my entertainment the last few days. The Death of Me obviously knows who took it, and is being surprisingly cool about it. But let's not talk about him. He is the devil..... the devil I can't get outa my head.
On a lighter note, everything is great. I'm pretty satisfied with life right now. Sometimes I get to melancholy, along with everyone else I know.... .but at the end of the day I have nothing to complain about.
Love you.
Melissa had her baby last wed at 4:40pm. She is 8lbs 9oz... and they named her Kayleigh Cheyenne. She has been a really good baby so far.... and is totally adorable. I was in the in ER with melissa on Saturday, she had some problems from the epidural..... but is feeling great now.
Ok, so funny story of the week. This guy (we can refer to him as The Death Of Me) has a Krusty the clown doll. It has a pull cord and totally freaks me out. So The Death Of Me likes to either put it under my pillow, or pull the string when I'm about to fall asleep.... or pretend it's biting me (yeah, we're goofy.... shut it) and this doll makes me cringe. So, I decided to kidnap Krusty. A few of my friends (I won't mention names) have helped me pull this off and it's totally hilarious. We first left a ransom note on the door along with a picture of Krusty tied up and duct tape over his eyes. It was the letters cut out of a magazine style.... I'll post a pic. So we thought Krusty needed some fun as long as he was being held captive. So he has been to a couple shows, bars, ice cream run, drove a hot rod, watched a girl take a shower, got drunk, was hung upside down, and even had a swirly. I need to make a photo blog out of this..... people are posting about it on myspace. So.... that was my entertainment the last few days. The Death of Me obviously knows who took it, and is being surprisingly cool about it. But let's not talk about him. He is the devil..... the devil I can't get outa my head.
On a lighter note, everything is great. I'm pretty satisfied with life right now. Sometimes I get to melancholy, along with everyone else I know.... .but at the end of the day I have nothing to complain about.
Love you.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
It's an ex thing
Just what is it about ex's???
Lately I feel like I'm totally bombarded with ex talk, text, mail, and sightings. I don't have THAT many ex's (ok, I've dated my fair share, but not that many are true ex's).... and this city/world is big enough I shouldn't be having these constant reminders of the past. I don't really have any ex's that I have a terrible relationship with, in fact I'm friends with a lot of them.... so this shouldn't be taking such a toll on me.
What is it about the sniff of a familiar cologne, snippet of a familiar voice, or glimpse of a familiar face that can reduce a mature, self reliant young woman into a scared little girl yearning for the past?
I should be HAPPY when I see my ex's doing well, and for the most part I am. A few of them are in serious long-term happy relationships, or they graduated and started a great career, or they are traveling around the world for the pursuit of self discovery... and thats amazing, and I'm happy for them. But on a weird core level I keep finding myself wondering "what if?" I guess it's normal to wonder what your life would be like if you were still with a person that made you happy, and you had a great life with.
It's the ex's that things didn't end well with I'm more concerned about missing. I was just cleaning out my closet and in the bottom of an old box I found my ex's sweater. He was a terrible boyfriend, and I was so glad to see him go... I never really mourned the loss of our relationship, so maybe thats why the familiar feel of his sweater lead to me wrap myself up in it and just sit on the sofa thinking about the past. Why should I have these feelings for someone who was no good for me??
This happens more and more lately. I have a couple ex's that I consider friends, or acquaintances at the very least.... and running into them out at the bar, or grocery store, or even seeing their name in my inbox spirals me into thinking about the past and wondering if things could ever be different.
Maybe the fact I've been single (relatively) for a few months now I'm finally surfacing feelings that have needed to come out for a while. I typically do not mourn the loss of boys, I just move on to the next. I don't really feel the need to mourn them though, they weren't good, I got rid of them, end of story.... or is it? Being single gives me a whole new perspective on things I guess. The world is different without love.
Eh, or maybe I just need to get laid. Who knows.
Lately I feel like I'm totally bombarded with ex talk, text, mail, and sightings. I don't have THAT many ex's (ok, I've dated my fair share, but not that many are true ex's).... and this city/world is big enough I shouldn't be having these constant reminders of the past. I don't really have any ex's that I have a terrible relationship with, in fact I'm friends with a lot of them.... so this shouldn't be taking such a toll on me.
What is it about the sniff of a familiar cologne, snippet of a familiar voice, or glimpse of a familiar face that can reduce a mature, self reliant young woman into a scared little girl yearning for the past?
I should be HAPPY when I see my ex's doing well, and for the most part I am. A few of them are in serious long-term happy relationships, or they graduated and started a great career, or they are traveling around the world for the pursuit of self discovery... and thats amazing, and I'm happy for them. But on a weird core level I keep finding myself wondering "what if?" I guess it's normal to wonder what your life would be like if you were still with a person that made you happy, and you had a great life with.
It's the ex's that things didn't end well with I'm more concerned about missing. I was just cleaning out my closet and in the bottom of an old box I found my ex's sweater. He was a terrible boyfriend, and I was so glad to see him go... I never really mourned the loss of our relationship, so maybe thats why the familiar feel of his sweater lead to me wrap myself up in it and just sit on the sofa thinking about the past. Why should I have these feelings for someone who was no good for me??
This happens more and more lately. I have a couple ex's that I consider friends, or acquaintances at the very least.... and running into them out at the bar, or grocery store, or even seeing their name in my inbox spirals me into thinking about the past and wondering if things could ever be different.
Maybe the fact I've been single (relatively) for a few months now I'm finally surfacing feelings that have needed to come out for a while. I typically do not mourn the loss of boys, I just move on to the next. I don't really feel the need to mourn them though, they weren't good, I got rid of them, end of story.... or is it? Being single gives me a whole new perspective on things I guess. The world is different without love.
Eh, or maybe I just need to get laid. Who knows.
Friday, September 7, 2007
So, here I am again. I'm going to say goodbye to my old blog, after a long 5 year run. I can't believe how much I've grown, looking back. I'm almost embarrassed at some of the stunts I've pulled, people I've loved, and fights I've been in over the years. But, these trials made me who I am, and I freakin' love the person I am right now. Not that I couldn't use a little self improvement, but I'm a good person, with a good heart, and thankfully a good head on my shoulders that is going to lead me to a successful and full life.
I know a lot of you have been here through the thick and thin, and although I haven't blogged in about a year now, I know some of you who used to read the blog are still friends with me, and will hopefully read this one.
So, some quotes I've pulled from and old blog, and even a post or two seems proper. A tribute to my past, and a toast to my future.
I wrote this 3 years ago, it's amazing to read now.
"Sunday, October 10, 2004
the fork in the road...
Current mood: hopeful
I'm at a fork in the road. I'm in my second year of college, I've had 8 majors. And I still can't decide what I want to focus on. I've realized why, I'm stuck in a split life, and I torn on which way to go. I've lead two lives.
Sometimes I'm a stuck up little bitch. I hang out on the boat, wearing my gucci shades, with my dolce wrap, talking about everyone new boobs and noses. I sit in clubs in LA and NYC drinking 25 dollar martinis, acting better than other people. And I don't especially like that person. But that person is my brothers, my dad, my aunts and uncles. That's the person I wanted to be for so long, I aspired to be like them.
My other life is much less exciting. I hang out with fellow artists. I wear tee shirts and jeans, and feel comfortable. I spend hours in the dark room, getting dirty. I sip on a 2 dollar cup of coffee at a little cafe'. I talk about peoples art, and who is going to headline at the next art show. I go to the bar to talk to people, not about people. I don't have everything at my fingertips, and it doesn't bother me. i'm happy when I'm that person. I'm fulfilled and I don't feel judged by my peers. I feel better inside and out.
For years I've been dating guys way too old for me, because they had already become what I wanted to be. They owned businesses, were lawyers, owned mortgage firms, world travelers. They had the benz and rover in the garage, the house 5 times bigger than they needed, and hated everyone who made less then them. And that was fun, but it wasn't me. To those guys, I was just a novelty item.
Like sara said, "in the end... crap can't hold your hand when you're sick. and your shiny new car - won't sleep wtih you at night and...your Dolce wrap .... won't be nice to you when you've had a bad day" I realize now, no matter how much I have done and seen
. No matter how much life experience I think I have. Some things just come with age. That hump everyone goes over at about 25, no matter how much I wish I was over that hump, I'm not. i'm not self reliant yet, I haven't settled into something I want to do, I haven't graduated college. I still have so much to learn, and even if I hate it, I'm still just a kid.
I have not evolved to what I'm going to be. I have so much more than so many people, and I need to be more grateful for that. I have good friends, good school, good family, I'm smart, and Im headed in the right direction. So I stand here at this fork... my choice determines the rest of my life. I can be unhappy with all the material things in the world. Or I can be happy doing what I love. So I may not live up to all the expectations that have been put on me, I may not have the Louie and Doonies I want, but hopefully I'll find someone who can love me for what I become. "
""Speech may sometimes do harm; but so may silence, and a worse harm at that. No insult ever caused so deep a wound as a tenderness expected and withheld; and no spoken indiscretion was ever so bitterly regretted as the word that one did not speak."
I know a lot of you have been here through the thick and thin, and although I haven't blogged in about a year now, I know some of you who used to read the blog are still friends with me, and will hopefully read this one.
So, some quotes I've pulled from and old blog, and even a post or two seems proper. A tribute to my past, and a toast to my future.
I wrote this 3 years ago, it's amazing to read now.
"Sunday, October 10, 2004
the fork in the road...
Current mood: hopeful
I'm at a fork in the road. I'm in my second year of college, I've had 8 majors. And I still can't decide what I want to focus on. I've realized why, I'm stuck in a split life, and I torn on which way to go. I've lead two lives.
Sometimes I'm a stuck up little bitch. I hang out on the boat, wearing my gucci shades, with my dolce wrap, talking about everyone new boobs and noses. I sit in clubs in LA and NYC drinking 25 dollar martinis, acting better than other people. And I don't especially like that person. But that person is my brothers, my dad, my aunts and uncles. That's the person I wanted to be for so long, I aspired to be like them.
My other life is much less exciting. I hang out with fellow artists. I wear tee shirts and jeans, and feel comfortable. I spend hours in the dark room, getting dirty. I sip on a 2 dollar cup of coffee at a little cafe'. I talk about peoples art, and who is going to headline at the next art show. I go to the bar to talk to people, not about people. I don't have everything at my fingertips, and it doesn't bother me. i'm happy when I'm that person. I'm fulfilled and I don't feel judged by my peers. I feel better inside and out.
For years I've been dating guys way too old for me, because they had already become what I wanted to be. They owned businesses, were lawyers, owned mortgage firms, world travelers. They had the benz and rover in the garage, the house 5 times bigger than they needed, and hated everyone who made less then them. And that was fun, but it wasn't me. To those guys, I was just a novelty item.
Like sara said, "in the end... crap can't hold your hand when you're sick. and your shiny new car - won't sleep wtih you at night and...your Dolce wrap .... won't be nice to you when you've had a bad day" I realize now, no matter how much I have done and seen
. No matter how much life experience I think I have. Some things just come with age. That hump everyone goes over at about 25, no matter how much I wish I was over that hump, I'm not. i'm not self reliant yet, I haven't settled into something I want to do, I haven't graduated college. I still have so much to learn, and even if I hate it, I'm still just a kid.
I have not evolved to what I'm going to be. I have so much more than so many people, and I need to be more grateful for that. I have good friends, good school, good family, I'm smart, and Im headed in the right direction. So I stand here at this fork... my choice determines the rest of my life. I can be unhappy with all the material things in the world. Or I can be happy doing what I love. So I may not live up to all the expectations that have been put on me, I may not have the Louie and Doonies I want, but hopefully I'll find someone who can love me for what I become. "
""Speech may sometimes do harm; but so may silence, and a worse harm at that. No insult ever caused so deep a wound as a tenderness expected and withheld; and no spoken indiscretion was ever so bitterly regretted as the word that one did not speak."
I've been here before.
So, I decided to be a blogger again.
I've been here before. It's like a new beggining this time though. Amazing how easy it is to start over in cyber land, right?
My old blog was a testament to myself. My stories, the people I met, the parties I attended, the people I loved or hated that day.... and that was fun and all, but looking back I think I could have done better. While this blog will be dedicated my MY SIDE of the story, whatever story it may be at the time, I'm also going to dig a little deaper. "They" say we truly learn who we are in our mid-20's.... so let's let the self discovery begin.
Warning: This blog will contain gossip, dirt, and probably a small amount of shit talking. This is MY blog, and lucky for me, I can talk about whatever the hell I want. ;-)
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I've been here before. It's like a new beggining this time though. Amazing how easy it is to start over in cyber land, right?
My old blog was a testament to myself. My stories, the people I met, the parties I attended, the people I loved or hated that day.... and that was fun and all, but looking back I think I could have done better. While this blog will be dedicated my MY SIDE of the story, whatever story it may be at the time, I'm also going to dig a little deaper. "They" say we truly learn who we are in our mid-20's.... so let's let the self discovery begin.
Warning: This blog will contain gossip, dirt, and probably a small amount of shit talking. This is MY blog, and lucky for me, I can talk about whatever the hell I want. ;-)
free hits counter
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