liar

When did I become such a fucking skeptic?

Why don't I believe anything people say?? Well, it's actually only certain people.

I remember a time when I believed everything people told me, as fact. Sure, I may have been mislead a little bit more back then, but I was happier. I didn't second-guess, question, and read between the lines ALL the damn time. It's exhausting to try and find the truth.

Or, maybe it's just you. Certain characteristics have been repetitively deceptive..... and when I sense/feel/see those traits in people it just makes me think everything they say is a lie. Or a stretch of the truth. Or a cover. Or a diversion.

I'm either getting to be a better judge of character, or I'm bitter. Either way, I'd give up a lot to be naive again.

I have a childhood friend who I spotted as a pathological liar at the age of 10. I didn't even know what a pathological liar was, but I knew there was something wrong with her wiring upstairs that she lied about everything.. She was compelled to stretch the truth as far as she could about the most irrelevant things. I don't understand. This same friend became a police officer and now, 3 years later is being charged with 2 class two felonies, both relating to lying! What the heck???? I didn't speak to her for years because I just couldn't handle the constant deception (over things that didn't matter) and only recently had we reconnected. I thought she had changed. She put herself through college (got a masters even), became a police officer, had a beautiful son, bought a nice house in a safe neighborhood......... all of this now being torn apart because of lies. It's baffling.


I guess my constant questioning is a direct result of being lied to for years. Lies from many people.

I want a built in lie detector. Can I find one on eBay?

Sad panda!

I'm feeling really sad that the school year is almost over! 4 more days! Boy, time flies when we're having fun.

This time last year I was graduating college, and now, I'm graduating a class of kids who have captured my heart on to their next endeavor. I wonder if it gets easier.... or the first group of kids you have just hold a special place in your heart? We'll see.

P.S. I love Cash Cab..... i want to be on this show and rock it like a hurricane!

We're sinking, and I'm thinking, "How the hell did we get so stupid?"

So you know how during every break up people find 'that song'.... the one they play over and over to dull the pain, exaggerate the pain, move on, or even seek revenge? Well I think I found mine.

I do have a really funny memory of a 'breakup song' from a few years ago. My good friend Chris had been going through a really hard breakup.... so I thought I'd head over to his house to bring him lunch and check on him. There I am, knocking on his front door.... his car is there, I hear music coming from somewhere..... so where is he??? I finally give up knocking and go try the side gate, which lucky for me, was open. So I walk into the back yard, and what do I find but big tough Chris, crying, with the BBQ grill on full force. He was blasting that song by Eminem, "Cleaning out my Closet" and throwing every memory of the two of them together into the grill while singing on the top of his lungs. It was quite a sight.... big buff Chris, reduced to tears, throwing teddy bears and lingerie into a fire. I think it's therapeutic!


I've had my share of "breakup songs," the least original being "The Breakup Song" by American Hi-Fi. Who hasn't jammed out to that one, while thinking of an ex? My last breakup song is a result of a mix CD a friend made for me a few months ago. I hate sad love songs, yet Im compelled to learn the lyrics and belt them out in my car at the top of my lungs!

Say you're sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now

And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late to catch me now

travel and love

When I was traveling, is was a new start for me. I was single, free, suntanned, excited, and balls to the walls energetic. I had enough money, and I was, for the first time in a while, truly, truly happy.
I had some of those wonderful travel relationships that are so amazingly intense and powerful.
If anyone reading this has traveled a lot, Youll know what I mean. You feel so drawn to a person, and everything is perfect and exciting, but you wonder if it's just because you're traveling, and if it would all go away if you both had jobs and bills and issues at home, or if you've really just met your soul mate and you're the luckiest two people on Earth.


Since living back in the States (yes, it's been a while now), I've met a few people that I liked the way I liked people while living in other countries, and I've broken up with people who are amazing, but just not right for me, maybe the problem is that there's no fairytale anymore. There's none of that amazing, almost tangible, life affirming run-away-with-me passion like when you spend weeks traveling around Europe with someone, sharing new and amazing experiences, not caring about anything else in the world.

I'm romantic. I like bubble baths with champagne and strawberries, walks in the park, kite flying, roller skating, running around in the rain, skinny dipping, snowball fights, thumb wrestling, dancing, rolling around on the floor, skipping stones, food fights, picnics, cuddling....
I love flirting, courtship, chivalry. I love little presents, holding hands, stealing kisses in mid conversation, inside jokes, and most of all that fantastic feeling of being attracted to someone. I feel like there is no romance in my life anymore. Having dinner a few times a week, watching movies, hanging out, and going to work....... it's so, adult. Boring.

I feel like I need to run off and elope with someone in order to make it spectacular and romantic, so I can share some life affirming experience with them, so we have a story. I want a story.

This sucks, because a year ago I figured I'd meet a nice guy, someone from the West Coast who I had a lot in common with, someone who would get my jokes about American subtleties. Someone who knew what an etch-a-sketch was, and who knows the theme song from The Facts of Life.

Travel has spoiled me. Not only in Love, but in working, in what I think is fun, in what I want to do with my life.
It's boring to my friends, and I feel like an obsessive bore because it's the most fun thing I can think to talk about, with someone who understands.

No one, not one person, though, understands, and I keep a lot of things bottled up.
And while I've dated people who have vacation amazing places, none of them knew what it was like to just go. To run the freak off and explore, to be free of everything.

I don't need someone who wants to run away though. Not in the literal way. I want my running off to be with each other. Create our own world to disappear in. Travel together, if only in this country, this state, or this city. Have adventures in our own backyards if need be. I think I just want the thrill of falling in love. It's been a long time. I was almost there, until everything came crashing down. I don't want to second guess myself.

whew!

jeff sent me this. he rocks.... here it is...

Here is an excerpt from "Bad Boys" by Carol Lieberman, one of the rare women who can be honest about what’s actually going on in attraction and relationships. This is her perspective on the personalities of different types of bad boys and why women are attracted to them.

What is a bad boy?

A rebel without a cause, a cool dude in a motorcycle jacket.
A real life Huckleberry Finn who wants to take you on a wild river ride to adventure.
He’s a wounded moody, misunderstood, a dreamer, a seducer, a daredevil.
He’s a man of mystery, and a fascinating paradox.
He’s both a lost little boy and a man with a dark side.
He breaks your heart with his wicked ways.
Whether he’s a wanton wolf or a dangerous desperado,
He makes you long to rescue him from his pain.
He’s hurtfully cruel, or simply carelessly self absorbed.
But you can’t resist jumping on his motorcycle and roaring off into the steamy night with him.
And once you’ve given him your heart forever, he’s gone with the wind.
He’s someone who sets off throbbing sexual and aggressive passions within you.
Because he’s so aloof and elusive, you get caught up in the challenge and excitement of the chase.
Though he’s not always someone you’d really want even if you did capture him.
A bad boy may tell you he’s generally right.
He’s a frog you hope to turn into a fairy tale prince with the magic of your kiss.

Hmmm…

“He’s someone who 'sets off' throbbing sexual and aggressive passions within you.”
Whew, now that’s intense ;)

And see, when you find yourself feeling that way, for me now, it would seem like it’s more of a physical, gut level feeling that you really can’t explain or control, yet, you just can’t deny. That’s why, even though you may have guys chasing you left and right, it’s this bad boy you really desire.

Carol continues, “This bad boy can rescue you from your day to day life, sweep you off your feet into a wild adventure ride. He sets off feelings deep within you... with… that look, those eyes… that attitude, that style… the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he acts, and the way he smells… so intriguing, so challenging, so mysterious, so mischievous. This feeling of intense attraction just overcomes you… whenever you see this bad boy, whenever you’re with him, and even whenever you think about him. It’s like you feel this longing heat rising within you… your senses become so heightened from the anticipation just building and building inside you… that now you just know, you've got to feel this man’s power and prowess come over you.”

With me now, when you actually feel that way – when you feel that intense attraction, that longing desire and anticipation within you… That’s what makes you really want this bad boy over any other guy. That's what makes you want to go for him, chase him, try to reel him in, and capture him... before he’s ‘gone with the wind’. And like for me it seems, since he’s busy living his own life - living his own adventure, it’s the challenge and anticipation of being a part of this adventure that you want to get caught up in.

And that my friends is what makes this wild “bad boy” adventure ride so exciting

back in action....

I couldn't blog for a week.

I was watching my cousins, their puppies, and Aunt's house for a week. It was puppy-control (instead of birth control).... I realized I am not ready for a puppy! They cry a lot. Boo.