Am I good or bad....

I wonder if I'm really a good person.... like, deep down inside. Sure, I have good qualities like doing anything I can to help a friend or family member, like being a shoulder to cry on for people I love, like being compassionate for not only people I know, but the world in general. I'm a giver, I'm trustworthy..... but if you've done something to hurt me or people I love, I'm not the nicest person. I've got plenty of bad qualities, too. I'm rather selfish, I can be cold to people I don't like, and I'm stubborn as all get out, and I can be manipulative without even realizing what I'm doing. Everyone has bad qualities and good qualities, but what is the equation to figure out if I'm "good" or "bad"?

I've come to think that since I have good morals and values, it makes me a good person. But between the good and the bad choices I've made, do morals keep the scale pointed towards "good"? Hmm. Food for thought.

I wish I could select qualities I don't like myself and change them. I've been in a situation where I can see the ugly head of one of my bad qualities emerging from my strained smile... and just that like, I turn into a nasty person. I know I'm doing it, I know I'll regret it later, but I'm just so blinded by anger I let myself give into the frustration/anger/or any mix of emotions. Is there a way to change yourself? I want to eliminate certain qualities and strengthen others.

I've found it helps to surround myself with good people. When others around me are genuine and good, I have no need for the nasty side to show up. It's been kind of nice taking a break from my life in the US. I've been able to gain some perspective into what I was doing and who I was(am). I've also been able to be removed enough from the people I was spending time with the evaluate their true colors. It's amazing when I see some of their ramblings on the internet... I just sit back and think "THIS is who I was associating myself with?!?!" While most of my friends I've had for years and I know they are the right kind of people for me, there are others I'll have to steer clear of when I return to AZ. It's amazing that a lot of them are years older than me, but going out every night, not progressing with any sort of career or career goals, and no real plans to get their shit together. Some of these people have kids, and that's the saddest part. The kids are being punished because their parents shouldn't have had kids to begin with. I just want to tell them to grow up, stop partying every night, and read their kid a bedtime story.

Ok, thats enough for now.

xo