Korea is changing me

Korea is changing me.... and not for the better. The thing that bothers me the most is my "teacher" changes. I had to adapt to how the kids are used to being treated. My American style teaching just wasn't cutting it.... between the language barrier and the fact Korean kids are treated differently I had to change up my game. I hate it. While I have a good relationship with most of my students, and I'm considered the "fun and nice teacher".... I'm not happy with the dynamic. I think Korea has made me a much worse teacher by American standards. When I am shuffling kids in and out every 30-60mins and administering countless tests I just don't have the time to teach the way I used to. Its a whole new ballgame, and I can't wait for it to be over. I laugh at my co-worker who says she wants to teach after she leaves here. She has NO IDEA what teaching is really like.... you can't compare this to an American classroom. If you can't hack it in Korea (she SLEEPS at work, doesn't prepare for classes, and the students and staff can't stand her) you could never hack being a real teacher. When is the last time you saw a teacher in America put their feet up on the desk and kick back with a book? Yeah, she did that at work.

I'm also becoming a recluse. Those of you who know me (which aside from the random stranger, is everyone) know how social I am. I thrive on spending time with my friends and family. I live to go to concerts and parties. I spend my weekends attending fun events, grabbing cocktails and dinner, shopping, hanging by the pool, and bike rides around town. Yeah, not in Korea. I spend 90% of my weekends in the house. Partly because it's been so darn cold, partly because I think I'm a tad depressed over my current situation. I'm not very happy here in Korea. I didn't make any friends (which has never happened in all my moving around), I don't enjoy going out, I don't want to shop, I don't care about events here.... and the few I care about always seem to get canceled. It's just not been all I was hoping for, and I will most certainly take some of the blame for that. I will admit, without hesitation, that I could do more to make this more enjoyable. It's just kind of been a cycle where the less I like Korea, the less I want to get out and experience it, which makes me like it even less. It's a nasty cycle and I'm hoping as spring comes and the weather turns nice I will want to be out exploring a bit more.

A big obstacle for me is transportation. I know it seems silly to let something like that get in the way of exploring and enjoying a city, but it really does. As most of you have probably noticed over the years I drive myself nearly everywhere (unless I'm with Amy or Michelle). I hate the feeling that if something bad happened I would be stuck or stranded. If I got sick or tired I couldn't get myself home, or if someone needed me I couldn't get to them. So, since I turned 16 I have enjoyed being able to be the master of my own transportation. Obviously there are exceptions, mostly involving evenings I want to drink. In Korea, it's all public transportation. I am NOT a fan. I hate feeling stranded wherever I am. I can't speak Korean and I don't even know how to ask for a taxi to take me home. I don't even know my address! This leads to all kinds of anxieties for some reason, so I just prefer to stay near home. I have been drunk only once (maybe twice) since I got here because I don't want to feel like I can't make my way back home.

I have tried to rationalize with myself that this is silly, but I can't help but feel a twinge of panic every time (rarely) I get on a subway car to go somewhere. It's not so bad with the bus, I guess because it's kind of like a giant car?? But I don't know how to navigate the city by bus. I am also a giant germaphob which you all know.... so the subway is like riding around in a giant cesspool. I literally sanitized the railing I was holding on to because it felt sticky haha. I was THAT person!

Well, this is enough ranting for one night. I have just been really bummed and regretting coming to Korea, so I had to get some of these things off my chest. I was day-dreaming about my mom coming to visit today. Isn't it weird I feel like something as small as a visit from my mom could change my whole perspective on things? She doesn't let me get away with any bullshit... she'd put an end to my pity party, throw me out into the city, and make me see what I've been missing. I love my mom.